Tips For Getting The Most From Your I.T. Department.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under
half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies
and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a
fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you
won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300 screen
When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from
getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into our mail because your computer
won't power on at all.
When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once.
We're just testing.
When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your
guts right out. We exist only to serve.
Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it
as a rush delivery.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We
can fix your telephone line from here.
When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer support.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with
no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in
them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing
tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently
get sucked into black holes.
When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers
in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what you
mean by "my thingy blew up".
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the
computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of
computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail upgrade.
Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings
When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that Yes button
as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the
corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to
speak of anyway.
Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise
referred to as crap.
When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call I.T. support.
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends
that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear
When you can't find someone in the government directory, call I.T. Support.
When you have a lock to pick on an old file cabinet, call I.T. Support. We love
When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the
help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't
know anything about the problem.
When you receive a 30mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as a mail attachment.
We've got lots of disk space on that mail server.
Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Somebody
else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
When an I.T. person gets on the elevator pushing $100,000 worth of computer equipment
on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the elevator to go
DOWN one floor?!?" That's another one that cracks us up no end.
When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out
in Pofadder like to keep abreast of what's going on.
When you bump into an I.T. person at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer
question. We do weekends.
Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own. Computer
names are just a cosmetic feature.
When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the
documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.
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